holding space with hyenaz

Manon la Décadence

one month ago, at strangelove festival in antwerp, me and lu were invited to join hyenaz at their performance, as a so-called interlocuter. i had looked up the word and what i read felt familiar instantly, BUT i also knew that i would play/be this part during a very physical performance, so it didn’t make me any less nervous.

fortunately, to ease my nerves, it all started with paint. silver paint. i can’t believe what a big difference it makes for me, from being naked to covering my skin in just this tiny layer of color. this might be the mask that i need to be able to be truthful. pimp that battleground. anxiousness gone. well, almost.

i gained even more trust realizing i was with people who inspired me in so many different ways before, and holding hands with them and lu backstage was one of those moments you want to remember, because it reflects so much meaning and motivation; i don’t care why i am here exactly but it’s fine, it feels important and pleasurable and maybe even right.

walking from backstage to the venue, into the club, inviting others to join the ritual, looking at them, realizing i might be as intimidating as others have been for me in the past, but overcoming that gap with a smile and a talk, knowing i would need them as well as they would need me to deal with the awkwardness of being in a room with strangers looking at a stage listening to loud noises not knowing what would come next..it felt familiar, i love it.

when i try to hold space at my parties and events, i feel the same. i am not the one in the centre of attention, i am facilitating and i hope i can make anything happen and maybe even join in if i feel like it. i want my presence to say to others: you are welcome, i got your back, be my guest, go play!

during the ritual i noticed i shared my admiration for kate and adrienne with many around me and i saw them naturally pulling the people into their ritual bubble. it felt like most were comfortable, and some were even up for going beyond comfort. this is, i think, what holding space is about.

i held space, and at the same time i was somebody they/others held space for.
i am so grateful for this exercise/experience and I will take it with me everywhere i go. thank you kate, adrienne and lu ❤

PROBABILITY PRAXIS 10 of 28 – WAXING GIBBOUS

Backstage photos by Jakob Ra. Thank you. With Interlocuters Hana Frisonsova and Tereza Silon

Underdogs Ballroom, Prague, Czech, hosted by MENU and HANA FRISONSOVA

20 May 2017

Interlocuters: Hana
Frisonsova and Tereza Silon

I want to thank firstly
those who helped make this show possible.

There was Hana
Frisonsova, of course, who has been with us for a long time, a
support and shining star, creating as well a weaving of our union, of
our partnership and reflecting it back to us in her designs. On
Friday we put on the clothing, we envelop ourselves inside the
clothing that she created from our disem/bodies. Our eyes, our legs,
our hands … our faces covered. It is a strange and beautiful
experience to see our love reflected back to us. At night we wear the
eyes, our own eyes, photographed, mirrored, reflected. I wonder at
what it “means” or what it says. For now I wear them with pride;
they are at least beautiful objects symbolizing third eyes,
possibilities for opening. For the show it only made sense that Hana
would dance with us and add her energy to the project.

We were also able to
invite one of my dearest friends and muses, Tereza Silon, whose
artistic practice I have long admired. She would be a natural choice
as a mover who both knows well her own body, how to live in her skin,
and also how to reach outside her body and connect with others. Not
only did she contribute as an interlocutor, but further, she provided
excellent textual translations into Czech for the visuals. These I
feel are so important, so that the ritual is as inclusive as possible
and so that it is not assumed that English predominates.

And last but not least I
want to thank Zdeněk Konečný, who organizes the MENU parties and
mixtapes, who put together a great lineup and found a wonderful venue
for this night.

The ritual was so full
this night, a feeling so strong of involvement from everyone, from
going deep in. At one point I realized that all 50 of the blindfolds
were being used, and that everyone had accepted this idea and were
going in with us. I had the feeling that the full show was slowly
taking shape, gaining maturity, gaining strength. That we were
beginning to believe that this could happen, that we could come into
a space that we do not know and face those “we do not know,” that
we could ask people who come for a concert to trust us as
facilitators on a different kind of journey.

There was a moment my
body came into contact with a very large white masculine presenting
body. And I realized that this was, is, for me, a kind of “other”,
a body that as growing up read as female, I have sometimes feared. I
have feared “his” presumed sexism, his presumed entitlement, his
presumed sexuality, his presumed entitlement to that sexuality over
mine. I realized in this moment that in our contact I was helping to
overcome some of my presumptions, some of my fears, or rather, that I
(already) had, through many years of practicing, become more powerful
and confident in my own body. And this allowed me to make contact
with him and to question a boundary. I felt that he responded to
this, by relaxing, by approaching just as tenderly and by shedding
some of his resistance. And this felt, these moments feel, very good.

I had a few people tell
me they were changed forever, that this was one of the most
influential moments of their lives. I was speechless at this, but
very very happy to think that I could be part of a transformation.
And certainly that the transformation is also in me each time I
perform.

KRF