holding space with hyenaz

Manon la Décadence

one month ago, at strangelove festival in antwerp, me and lu were invited to join hyenaz at their performance, as a so-called interlocuter. i had looked up the word and what i read felt familiar instantly, BUT i also knew that i would play/be this part during a very physical performance, so it didn’t make me any less nervous.

fortunately, to ease my nerves, it all started with paint. silver paint. i can’t believe what a big difference it makes for me, from being naked to covering my skin in just this tiny layer of color. this might be the mask that i need to be able to be truthful. pimp that battleground. anxiousness gone. well, almost.

i gained even more trust realizing i was with people who inspired me in so many different ways before, and holding hands with them and lu backstage was one of those moments you want to remember, because it reflects so much meaning and motivation; i don’t care why i am here exactly but it’s fine, it feels important and pleasurable and maybe even right.

walking from backstage to the venue, into the club, inviting others to join the ritual, looking at them, realizing i might be as intimidating as others have been for me in the past, but overcoming that gap with a smile and a talk, knowing i would need them as well as they would need me to deal with the awkwardness of being in a room with strangers looking at a stage listening to loud noises not knowing what would come next..it felt familiar, i love it.

when i try to hold space at my parties and events, i feel the same. i am not the one in the centre of attention, i am facilitating and i hope i can make anything happen and maybe even join in if i feel like it. i want my presence to say to others: you are welcome, i got your back, be my guest, go play!

during the ritual i noticed i shared my admiration for kate and adrienne with many around me and i saw them naturally pulling the people into their ritual bubble. it felt like most were comfortable, and some were even up for going beyond comfort. this is, i think, what holding space is about.

i held space, and at the same time i was somebody they/others held space for.
i am so grateful for this exercise/experience and I will take it with me everywhere i go. thank you kate, adrienne and lu ❤